Jawin’ Gaudy

by The Bone on Jun.08, 2011, under Ranting

Sorry, this is not about the “Teflon Don” or anything. Although, I may touch on that at some point.

It’s no secret I like gaudy things. I touched on it somewhat in the entry about guilty pleasures, how I find no guilt in my pleasures and actually enjoy making sure people know about them.

When choosing wedding bands I saw the perfect band for me. Thick, wide, and full of Celtic lattice designs. AWESOME !

Now, my appreciation of all things gaudy extends only so far as clothing, accessories and the likes. I have ZERO tolerance for gaudy food. By gaudy food I mean the ridiculous overkill of combinations that have begun to spring up everywhere.

I’ve been ranting about it for a while now, internally. However, I saw something that set me off the other day. We were going through the drive thru of the local poison peddler. I ranted about it previously in THIS rant. Yes, we went through the drive thru at Tom Houlton’s again. While going through the line, I saw the advertisement for their latest poison, a S’mores donut.

Really ?

The Empress said “I thought you’d think that was cool” which made me look at her sideways before launching into the following rant.

S’mores on their own are fine. A little too much, but still fine. S’mores are their own dessert/treat. A donut is too. Combining the two is insanity. It’s two treats. Too much. What the hell, why not just make a burger and use two steaks as the buns ?


Now, don’t get me wrong – I love to eat. I’ll eat a 10 pound steak, gladly.

I am in almost universal agreeance with the great Ron Swanson >

However, there is a line. Combining two desserts into one ? Too much. Two entrees into one ? Also too much. In fact, it’s one of the main reasons I will NEVER eat Turducken – there are people starving on this planet and here people are turning their family feasts into f’ing Babushka Dolls. Pick one of the birds and give the other two away to a soup kitchen. Who popularized the Turducken ? John Madden. Madden was awesome for a multitude of reasons including overseeing one of the best game franchises in history. Never mind if you should be taking dietary tips from the most famous spokesperson of athlete’s foot; do you think you should be taking dietary advice from this guy >

Don’t get it twisted, I’m not slagging Madden the person. What I am saying is taking dietary tips from John Madden is akin to taking nutritional supplement advice from Keith Richards.

Again, don’t get it twisted – I love overindulging. I get custom cuts of steak and burgers, to the size I approve of, and eat until I have to either put on some sweat pants, or loosen my belt. Also, meat sweats are a staple. We are blessed to live in a society where we have no shortage of food, so it’s our obligation to take advantage of that. However, there are limits.

I think it all started with the poultry merchants. Let’s call them Alabama Baked Pheasant. The minute they rolled out their “bowl” was the first sign we’d gone too far. I could make wise cracks but the great Patton Oswalt covered it best here>

You see, this organization also recently rolled out another abomination. We’ll call it the “Royal Flush” in which pieces of chicken are used as a bun for the middle ingredients.

I think the first order of business is to administer drug tests to whoever pitches these ideas. It’s obvious this is the work of stoners; no sane sober person would ever come up with such a disaster.

Here’s a lesson we all need to consider when we are thinking about ordering these things from the menu – if it seems like something Shaggy (of Scooby Doo fame) would conjure up, you should go ahead and NOT consume it.

I’m out, like food sanity.


The Bone

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